Monday, March 27, 2006

Of Broken vows...

*Once there was a handsome prince and a beautiful princess...They met each other at a ballroom dance.... The prince asked the princess for a dance and the minute they took the first step together, sparks ignited....

They danced and talked for hours. The prince wrote letters to the princess and the princess waited for the letters with aniticipation.....

They started meeting each other in the lovely palace garden and finally one day the prince bend down on his knee and said.: "Hey beautiful one, will you marry me"?

It was the most grand wedding the kingdom had ever seen...two beautiful people deeply in love...taking the marital vows...the prince taking his lovely bride on the golden chariot....united for EVER!

Its been 6 months since the grand marriage day...the princess is back to her fathers palace.....waiting for the official separation papers to be signed.....love is no more.

Every story doesn't have a happy ending..moreso in real life.Happened to get in touch finally with a friend of mine in bangalore for the first time since we moved to HK 6 months back....he got married in dec last yr....and his reply to all my "hows marital life Q's" read.."well I should let you know, we ran into lot of problems within one month of my marriage and she has been back home from Jan beginning. We would go through divorce".

I am still shocked-These things are supposed to happen to others!..Not to you or people u know!..Or so I thot....he was a good friend and a nice guy..why him?

But then..Fate doesnt judge you before owning you......

Hes the 5th person in the list of people who have got separated within a year....all cases I have heard of in the past 1 yr and reasons similar -incompatibility...Why is all this happening?..What happened to the good old days of.."Together for life"?.....Dunno who is right and who is wrong...not intending to jugde what went wrong and what could have been done better....however what has happened to our patience? why is our level of tolerance so low towards people we love and care about? Why do we feel adjustment and compromises are below us?

I do believe strongly that one should NEVER stay in a relationship which causes more pain than happiness, and that one needs to have 'exit options'--however I also believe that we don't stop watering plants because they grow slowely...when u love a plant u try everything to make it blossom...u change the soil, the pot, the location, fertilizer...EVERYTHING before u throw it away!.....Unfortunately most of us seem to be discarding our plants too soon.....before we have given them a chance to grow....

The damage could'nt be repaired...the prince and princess moved on with their lives...alone....the fairy tale was'nt a story of love anymore...but of broken vows.

39 Comments:

At 7:51 AM, Blogger Anand said...

I think a lot has to do with independence. Of Both. Guys and Girls. In the old scheme of things, girls had no exit options did they? They're educated, smart and can move on. Guys, it was always so. But maybe it's for the better. Maybe this wasn't their real prince/princess. There is hope for the future.

 
At 7:52 AM, Blogger Keshi said...

Ekta Im sorry to hear of ur friend's divorce...sadly it happens so often these days..few of my friends too have gone thru separation n divorce...and they r so young!


**incompatibility

Is however THE word. Alot of young ppl mistake being in lust for love...and they go ahead get married...and soon find out that living together with someone is not the same as being in that 'dating' period...differences pop out...and then if u cant be patient and give the other person a chance to grow, then it was not meant to be in the first place...

Another thing is that most Indians get married thru quick proposals...that too leads to quick break-ups...

I believe that there's no set formula for a happy marriage...what is required is Love...and if it aint there, its not gonan last..cos Lust certainly dun last!

Keshi.

 
At 7:53 AM, Blogger Keshi said...

** Maybe this wasn't their real prince/princess.

yes I agree with Anand on that. Maybe they were not meant for each other...

Keshi.

 
At 10:09 AM, Blogger White Forest said...

Thats really sad thing happening these days....:)

But I guess the couple has to give enough time before they plunge into and take the marriage vows....

It was very hilarious when i read in a newspapers recently that the couple had divorced because one of them kept eggs in the fridgea and the other didn't like the smell of eggs....

If the couple start divorcing for such trivial things..imagine ...wats going to happen ???!!

 
At 11:24 AM, Blogger Yashita said...

1st of all luved d way u potrayed their story...
i think was keshi said is rite, most of d ppl confuse lust wid love and get amrried widout giving enuf time to d relantionship, and d rose tinted glasses make us ignore 'incompatibity' isuues...and also today we have much more options, today second marriage, or third for d matter have become acceptable...so ppl don't want to put in the effort of nuturing the realtionships, d learning, d understanding...everyone wants readymade happiness...but guess, we can always learn from our past mistakes and hope for better things...
some relationships last forever and some fail, but all of them have something to offer, it's imp to learn from them...that's how we grow...hope ur frnd finds happiness.

 
At 1:42 PM, Blogger Abhialldeway said...

Hey am really sorry 2 hear abt ur frndz divorce. Incompatability is terribly mistaken now a day a very convenient word to hide r imperfections. Blame it on de rain ha??.

Cheers

 
At 1:58 PM, Blogger Ekta said...

anand:-Yes guess ur right..everythign has its pros and cons. But I dont agree in the real prince/princess theory. To me there is no such thing as an eternal right person--the right person is always whoever seems right at that moment and for that moment!

Keshi:-So true..and sadly we often misunderstand our attraction and often we assume similar lifestyles means similar personalities which is soo not true.
and yup..some of these 5 cases were actually thru parents.

White:- Thsts exactly what I meant about tolerance towards each other-I can also see it in myself!..Its amazing how our tolerance levels are just zilch!

Yashita:- Thx babe!..though sometimes I wonder if the era of our parents was actually better-I mean u didnt have a choice but to give it your all!...guess having too many options also can have its negatives!

abhi:- Well I dunno if incompatibility was and is the real reason or merely symtom in most cases--is it more because of our inability and lack of willingness to change?

 
At 2:21 PM, Blogger Nanyaar? said...

Sometimes its scray to love, you dont want to love a person and then be seperated, no matter what that first love will always be there in some corner of your heart?

what say?

 
At 2:43 PM, Blogger Princess said...

So Sad, Unconditional love is the only solution to this. Whether the other person loves you or not you must love the person immensely such that they forget to hate you and the frowns turn into smiles.

 
At 3:14 PM, Blogger Contented said...

It is sad to hear abt your friend.

First of all I ought to say I am no expert in "Relationships".

The way I see them (relationships) falling apart is people think as "we" before marriage and as "I" after. Sadly Vow of marriage is the otherway around.Your heading of post best describes that.

It is pity that people quite often fail to understand a marriage or relationship is not finding just mere happiness always. If a person is not happy by him(her)self, he(she) can't find it by being with someone else.

 
At 5:21 PM, Blogger Khushi said...

hmm :-|

the plant analogy is too gud ekta :) and ya, as you've said, the reason for separation is mostly because they get tired to water the plant and dont let it grow

Sigh!

 
At 6:22 PM, Blogger anirudh said...

hey ekta thanks a lot for ur comment..it was an honour having u read ma blog..well u got a gr8 1 here and i wont miss reading this one...cheers !

 
At 7:29 PM, Blogger karmic_jay said...

Sorry to hear that but it is not very surprising is it? With both couples working and times changing it's probably better that ppl get out of relationships if they are incompatible. Also arrabged marraiges are just a tad too much, cos they throw 2 ppl together without knowing how compatible they really are. Not to mention all too human failings like egos and selfishness and all.

 
At 10:07 PM, Blogger Sudeep said...

My parents celebrated their 25th anniversary last month n i had written 'bout it on my blog... n got comments frm phoren like "Wow! This is a long time"
n i was sad to read it frankly... it is hard to form a bond n more difficult to nurture it

ppl dont understand value of a relationship nowadays... n it is true tht more such cases r coming up in the new gen...

thnx for dropping by my blog.. c ya around

 
At 10:09 PM, Blogger Sudeep said...

n i see tht inspite of u living in HK u have the time here of India :)

or is it tht both times r same.. sorry but m quite illiterate in the time zone stuff

 
At 6:55 AM, Blogger Ekta said...

Nanyaar:- well its true..first love is always very special and its difficult to let it go..maybe even impossible sometimes

AIZ: Yes ideally unconditional love is the solution-however unfortunately that doesn't exist in today's world-everyone is selfish enough to want something back in return for loving somebody!

Contended:- Hey, I love the way you've put it, and your absolutely right...the reason u marry is because the other person can bring in more joy and happiness in your life--however if that doesn't happen then it defeats the purpose of the whole relationship!
and sadly most of us today are growing up in a I , Me, Myself, environment which doesn't let you think beyond yourself!

Khushi:- Thx girl!Sad but so true!

Anirudh:- Thx dude, pleasure is all mine:-)

Karmic:-It isnt surprising but like I said it just really starts hitting you when it happens to your own people-hearing and reading about it doesn't impact you as much as when it happens to you and your loved ones...and I agree witht he fact that arranged marriages often throw two people together without giving them enough time to get to know each other.

Sadly sadly two of the 5 cases I know are arranged matches!


Sudeep:- well congrats to your parents on the lovely occasion! But I must say not only in west in India too things are getting pretty much to the same level-where 25 yrs seems like a loong time..."growing old togther" is not suddenly become a struggle for a lot of couples

and nope India is 2.5 hrs behind HK!:-)

 
At 6:56 AM, Blogger Keshi said...

alot of ppl dun realise that marriage is not just a ritual...it needs real love and compatibility to survive...


Keshi.

 
At 10:55 AM, Blogger Arz000n said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 10:57 AM, Blogger Arz000n said...

I read your post...and enjoyed it too....was curious to read what people's view on this post was...and I will go with Keshi's view on this...especially the 2nd comment...


it needs real love and compatibility to survive...

This says everything....LOVE and Compatibility it is...

 
At 2:08 PM, Blogger Boldnbeautiful said...

nice post..

Life is not only finding a right partner, It is in bieng one.

Everyone crib about others, but how many give thought of how they treat the other

At times we just want everything instant, no patience to give second thought.

Relationship is all about thoda tum badalo , thoda hum.

 
At 12:44 AM, Blogger Jackal said...

its real sad .... i really dont understand how after going so far ppl leave each other....."Unfortunately most of us seem to be discarding our plants too soon"..indeed ppl shud give more time n nurture their relationship like they wud nurture a plant n then wait for the flowers to bloom.....

 
At 3:59 AM, Blogger luvwannabefree25 said...

Gosh.. I almost got married one time but she was sleeping with a married guy... wow... was God watching out for me or what? I hope that "if" I ever marry it will be for life... that's why I'm going to wait 'til I'm about 85... that way being married for life will only be a few years before I'm dead... hahahaha...

 
At 6:56 AM, Blogger Ekta said...

Keshi:- Alas!...Thats the key babe...and if only people understood this simple truth a lot of couples would be happier!

arzoon:- I second you on that...and the point is love can grow...with time...but am not sure if compatibility also can grow with time and that's one question have been wondering for a while!?

Bold:-Aha!...We always talk about the other one being wrong-but what u said is absolutely correct--how many of us actually look at ourselves in a relationship and say-" Hey I think I screwed this one up!"...it is indeed about both people putting in equal steps forward to reach towards each other...

Jackal:-:-(I wonder too sometimes...on how difficult it must be to just let it go...maybe easier in an arranged marriage where one has not fallen deeply in love with the other person yet(as in the case of my friend) however what about couples who have been in love and then decide to part ways...does parting ways also make u stop loving the person in a day?

Luv:- Gosh!...ur full of surprises...thats scary!..and thats why I somehow always end up believing that there's god!..something is up there looking and taking care of us to see we dont get more pain than our share!
Am soooo glad u got out of it before it could hurt you more...touchwood!....and I hope the hurt is easing off with time!

 
At 8:15 AM, Blogger Keshi said...

aha :)

I may u'stand it but then I dunno how practical I'd be..hehehe..

Keshi.

 
At 9:15 AM, Blogger Sugababee said...

Love and Marriage
Such interesting concepts...
Love is something we feel and marriage is a mere lable to prove just that.
So one should be in love before getting married... DUH i know.. but i mean LOVE.. not juss ooo i luv u, but i mean LOVE... it shud be unconditional... people often think they are in love but its juss a mere state of being "with" the person and a time of bliss masked as love. Marrige is indeed a good path once in love, however, to define love and to actually be in love takes a long time and immense depth; people often surpass this.

 
At 11:11 AM, Blogger Casablanca said...

Am playing the devil's advocate here, but maybe some things are meant to last forever? Maybe some plants are supposed to be beautiful just for one season, then to wither away?

I guess what I'm trying to say is, that soceity is changing, and marriages arent seen as set-in-stone anymore. Good or bad, I wont judge. But I guess we have to mentally prepare ourselves for it, no?

 
At 11:48 AM, Blogger Rohini said...

I agree with Casablanca. Not everything needs to last forever and that does not make it any less beautiful while it lasted. But my caveat is that you should wait till you are sure that it will last before you go ahead and have a child because then if you split then you are being totally unfair. You brought a child into a family and you need to keep it that way.

 
At 1:32 PM, Blogger Ashish Gupta said...

:|

 
At 4:12 PM, Blogger ishita said...

hey ekta:-)..thanks 4 visitin my space and m so glad i got to urs...coz this post is so close to my heart...

been married 6 years now *touchwood* but i've seen divorce up close wid my frenz...it's not always the easy way out...that much i can say..

and i keep telling ppl...marriage is something u need to keep workin on...constantly! u just can't take things for granted and u just can't sit back and expect it to be all bliss and contentment...and worse of all u can't have unreal expectations...ever....

patience...and the will to accept change...to keep growing with each other...to set common plans...to visualise "your" life together...to talk thru fights and misunderstandings...to not forget u luvv him enough to forgive him...

luv, commitment, compromise, understanding, trust, change, forgiveness....marriage demands it all and if one doesn't have that in them...it can wreck hell....

I'm still learning and i'm so willing to keep learning and being in it...i was telling sumone today...luv is initially so much abt passion and "fallin in luv" but later when it mellows down...u reach a diff stage....and i for one like this..."comfort zone" and this...predictabilty in sum way makes me feel...happy n secure...no uncertainities...no rude shocks...just this feeling of life moving on with sumone who understands me...cares.

it's ironical that the very same words.."comfort zone"..."predictable" are sum of d words which have couples complaining...wen they say "no excitement"...'bored'...??

*sigh*...for a first time..i sure had a lot to say in my comment!! lol...did u fall asleep??!:-)

 
At 8:48 PM, Blogger rebel_on_loose said...

Unfortunately that's where r society seems 2 b heading now. I think it can be explained only by 1 thing...lack of tolerance.
"however I also believe that we don't stop watering plants because they grow slowely...when u love a plant u try everything to make it blossom...u change the soil, the pot, the location, fertilizer...EVERYTHING before u throw it away!"
I think u've put it perfectly there.
Throwing the plant away shud b the LAST option!
Whatever happened 2 the term 'life-partners' ?

 
At 11:38 PM, Blogger Dawn....सेहर said...

Sorry to hear abt your friends..! I agree that its better to live in happiness than in pain...all said is well and done...but I think...no matter how independant one can be due to education n career..whats important is...to give a listening ear to your partner...when both are talking no one listens and hence no understanding...!
Have you ever thought of old days ppl whom we often judge with there behaviour that they are not compatible...or they are so different...but still they live all there life together to see there grandchildren's kids too ....its all coz they all have patience and a forgiving nature...giving a 2nd chance to that relationship itself rather than to a next one...!
I hear lot of these and I sometimes wonder...will the future will be a bunch of lonely ..singles...with tons of only friends..?
Its very sad...that we are getting educated not for good but for the worst !

cheers

 
At 12:29 AM, Blogger Katrina said...

Your post has a lot of people thinking and commenting about love--I love that!

Sadly, divorce is a problem for people in all walks of life, and I think the causes are many.

You made a lot of good points in your last couple of paragraphs--that we expect too much, give too little, put up barriers between ourselves and our loved ones in an attempt to protect ourselves from the sacrifices that it takes to make things work.

I think a lot of the problem is in how we, as a culture, have come to define love--as an overwhelming emotion, a warmth, a feeling of connectedness. As someone who has been married ten years and counting, through some pretty rough times, I can tell you that the "feeling" of love isn't always there. Emotions take a beating and they're unreliable at best. One thing that's never waivered, though, is my decision to love my husband--to choose what is best for him, even when I've felt like walking out the door. On one level, love is an act of will.

Those bad times I talked about? They nearly broke us. But our decision to stay, to work, to let God do the healing, has resulted in a love affair bigger than the one I imagined us sharing, even on my wedding day!

 
At 1:51 AM, Blogger Mr. J said...

Austria has a 98% divorce rate. India is doing good in the race I see.

I wish for better days.

 
At 7:25 AM, Blogger Nabeel said...

I would rather Love and loose it .. than not to fall in Love ever .. the prince and the princess were lucky .. whatever time they were together .. just in that time .. they felt loved and there is nothing in the world that can give that feeling that they experienced.

 
At 7:30 AM, Blogger Ekta said...

Keshi:- well there is always an ideal state and a real state!...and these two may be poles apart but idea is to keep trying to get to the ideal state....

Suga:- absolutely!...Ideally marriage should be a result of love--however unconditional love is exactly what seems to be missing these days!

Casa:- Sure, I completely buy your point and thats why i said that when a relationship gives more pain than happiness then its best to get out of it...and yes somethings are just not meant to be....only point being--have we done enough to assure ourselves that this indeed is not meant to be?

Rohini:-Yes, Not everything is meant to last for eternity-some relationships last only for few days but remain in ur memory forever!...Just that we need to be sure that some years later when we look back we dont regret havign lost out on what could have been a beautiful life had we given the relationship more chances!

Ashish:-:-):-)

Ishita:- Completely my pleaure and am WIDE awake!!:-)

*luv, commitment, compromise, understanding, trust, change, forgiveness....marriage demands it all and if one doesn't have that in them...it can wreck hell....*

Well I have been married only for a year but so relate to whatever u have said...marriage can be quite draining sometimes...but in the end everytime it makes u smile and happy and in love...u know its more than worth it!...and most of us are unable to keep this in mind when we decide to walk off a relationship....EVERYTHING deserves a second chance...!thx for sharing ur thots!

Rebel:-"Life long partners" seems like such an achievment these days!..Intolerance, impatience..we seem to want everything in a relationship in too short a time!!

Dawn:- *I hear lot of these and I sometimes wonder...will the future will be a bunch of lonely ..singles...with tons of only friends..?*

Oh my gawd..thats a scary thot! Indeed we seem to have become more 'open-minded' and 'liberal' and'westernised' in our thinking thanks to our education system--but its a scary thot that is having too many 'other' options actually creating havoc in our lives?

Katrina:- Hey I agree with every word of what uv said! and can soo relate to the feeling of "wanting to walk out right now!"....and am soo glad that you have been able to get over the phase and nuture your relationship in beautiful way.

Most People who are married go through these phases especially when u have fights and there are always issues--but the key like u right said..is to "decide" to continue to love the person u have married!...and that's what makes all the difference between a beautiful marriage and a divorce!

Thx for dropping by!

 
At 9:54 AM, Blogger Ekta said...

Me:-Wow!..that's high!...Me too!

Nabeel:-Aha!...the age old romatic...rather love and loose than never have loved..and hope and pray that the love remains forever!

 
At 7:54 AM, Blogger Keshi said...

so true, thanks!

Keshi.

 
At 12:57 PM, Blogger Patient Portnoy said...

I thought so too, that they only happen to people you read about and hear of...
But now it seems they're getting closer

 
At 5:12 AM, Blogger Tafosi said...

Nice. Though one would like to agree with what some of your readers have said, "Better to have loved and lost ....", its never as simple as that is it? We can just hope that the separation happened with much animosity on both sides .Call me sadistic if you want, but much less painful.

 

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